Building Self-Esteem and Self Confidence
Posted on October 28, 2007
Filed Under Other Self Help articles |
Self confidence usually is based on how well or not
so well we’ve done in previous situations. This end product is how we
feel about ourselves. Our self worth is based upon our previous performance.
We all tend to base our own personal values on how successfully we perform
in different situations and we often require perfect performance of ourselves.
If we don’t live up to our perfect standards, we end up lowering our
values of ourselves. We’re heavily influenced by our society which values
flawless performance and places great emphasis on winning and performing
perfectly. We often lose sight of the fact that we can value ourselves
in spite of making mistakes. While it is only natural to care about performing
as well as we can, it is also important to learn to feel good about ourselves
just for who we are, mistakes and all. It’s probably good to get back
to the feeling we had as children. As children, we had self confidence
without even questioning it. We were valued for just being people, for
just being in this world. The value that other people placed on us and
that which we placed on ourselves had very little to do with how well
we did or how well we performed. As adults we often believe we must continually
justify our place in the world, that we have to somehow prove to other
people that we are worthy of their esteem and through their eyes we can,
therefore, prove to ourselves that we are really valuable. Often we spend
excessive amounts of time doing that and we lose sight of the basic fact
that we are usually all right just as we are, in spite of the fact that
we are not perfect.
How can we go about increasing our self confidence,
when we find it decreasing? There are a number of things we can do. One
thing that often helps people who are feeling low, is making a list of
the things that they do like about themselves. By making a list like
this we can sometimes rediscover those very likable qualities about ourselves
that we often take for granted. Another thing we can do when we are feeling
low is to take some time to do something nice for ourselves, something
we find enjoyment in. We can take the time to treat ourselves with fondness
and kindness, as we would a dear and valued friend.
Another interesting thing is that it is easy to forget
that there are things that we do well. Continued frustration or attempting
things that we have difficulty with can lead to feelings of clumsiness
and inadequacy. It doesn’t take long when we experience these feelings
to find our self confidence seems to have decreased. One thing we might
do at this time is to make a list of the things that we do well and to
do one of these things on the list everyday. It has been shown that although
this method of increasing our self confidence sounds simple, it is often
very effective.
One of the things mentioned earlier is very important
to watch out for. When our successful or our good feelings are dependent
upon others approval of us, we are placing all of our value in someone
else’s hands. This means our self confidence is totally dependent
on how other people feel or act toward us. This is what children do out
of necessity, because they don’t have the inner resources as we
do as adults. But as adults, we can begin to learn how to give ourselves
confident feelings and to maintain them. Being aware of what a vulnerable
thing it is to put our whole self worth into someone else’s hand,
might help to avoid this pitfall. Maintaining our self worth or self
confidence might also require reminding ourselves of the things that
we value in ourselves, keeping in mind those qualities we really appreciate.
Sometimes it helps going to a long and trusted friend or spouse and talking
over our feelings of discouragement. In the process of talking with someone
else, we might begin to recall the valuable things about us or be reminded
of them by our friend.
Finally, another way to rebuild our self confidence
is to try doing and risking things that we’ve never tried before.
It’s always a little bit of a challenge in doing new things and
just the act of accepting these challenges, some little and some big,
whether we are successful or not, often increases our self confidence.
What about people who have already tried these things
that were mentioned and who still have questions or concerns about their
self confidence? Temporary fluctuations in our feelings of self confidence
are fairly common, they happen to most of us. However, if our self confidence
is low for a prolonged period of time or our mood shifts quite often,
it might be very important to seek professional help. One thing that
might be happening is that we never really developed a good, solid concept
of ourselves as we were growing up and so as result, we don’t have
a firm, positive concept of ourselves to build on. A mental health professional
can be very helpful in our establishing a positive self image. There
are mental health agencies in your community you may wish to contact
if you would like to further discuss the area of self confidence. If
you are a student or student spouse at the University of Florida, you
can call or come into the University of Florida Counseling Center, located
at 301 Peabody Hall. Someone will be happy to talk with you about your
concerns.
Note: This document is based on an audio tape script developed by the University of Texas, Austin. With their permission, it was revised and edited into its current form by the staff of the University of Florida Counseling Center http://www.counsel.ufl.edu/selfHelp/selfEsteem.asp
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